Staying true to their niche of transporting shiftless tour groups around in slothful fashion, Segway has somehow kept itself moving through the years. But thanks to the S-Pod, their ultimate destination remains a mystery. Unveiling their latest creation at CES 2020, Segway ups the ante on the hoverboard‘s original design by removing the pesky flaw of having to stand up. Fitted with a joystick that shifts the center of gravity, users can now recline in style like Professor X as they zip across Walmart parking lots at 25 mph. Civilization is standing by to reject them en masse.
Segway hasn’t put a price tag on the unit yet and hasn’t confirmed whether or not the S-Pod will even be available to the public. For now, the company is targeting overweight CEOs and startups that have too much money on their hands not to blow on desperately futurist tomfoolery. Luckily, the S-Pod has the horsepower to handle ramps, so future owners can launch themselves directly into nearby landfills. Take a look at all the greatest inventions (found in the trash) for humans who no longer wish to use their limbs, and marvel at the unyielding power of human progress.
Hair Dryer Holding Stand
For those times you want a blowout without the hassle of lifting a finger, the hair dryer holding stand is your man.
Why settle for clothing that only serves one function? It’s 2020, we should not be living like barbarians.
Portable ‘Pause Pod’
Nice try on rebranding what is obviously just a very small tent, guys. We applaud your laziness as a company.
When lifting a carton of juice just becomes too much of a hassle for you, whip out the Pour Thing and watch your stress melt away.
Banish bedroom neck strain and needless propping up of pillows with the indispensable prism glasses. The only thing missing is a contraption to put the glasses on our faces.
The slogan says it all. “Never touch your pets again!” We don’t know how, but these guys just get us.
Spoons are lame.
Sit anywhere, anytime, with this stylish and completely inconspicuous lifesaver. You’ll barely notice it’s there until it cups your ass in perfect splendor.
The Coolest Cooler
Having separate tools to do stuff is for losers. All-in-one is the way of the future, except in the case of this failed Kickstarter product that never came to fruition.
Not only does it remove the obstacle of walking, it keeps you warm during those long, cold, lonely nights when nobody is swiping right.
In the perfect world, feet would never touch the floor. Enter the foot hammock, the swinging savior that hugs your feet between trips on your Segway S-Pod. The future is looking fantastic.
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